Monday 03/06/2018

I have arrived on time. I am where I said I would be. I have said so publically and I have stated this privately and I have worked hard to get here – for years.

All the things I have done along the way – learnt, discovered and heard and all the battles I have fought – and the things I have given up – and those I have gone back for as the way was too desolate without them along side… All of those things, those moments of Ka Ching. And last night I baulked. Spooked at my own shadow. Backslid. Whatever. However. Whyever?

It’ll be one of the Fear tribe – or all of them – attacking. I tell myself that I can do this. I feel embarrassed seeing my wholly supportive husband watching TV ahead of a week away working – and knowing all the weeks I have struggled here – he has worked non stop rain or shine so that I sometimes ask my self, ‘what would Gordon do?’ when faced with a list of T Do’s and daylight running out.

It doesn’t work. I pick up my journal – I start a list of other things that need to be done around the farm, orchard and house – I drill it down to the daily routine that could fill my every waking hour for years to come and then something on the telly catches my ear – not sure what he is watching – it’s something about ‘looking back from next year  working out which you will be most proud of. I look at the list in my lap – yes, it has highlighted a couple of Must Do half hour jobs – like making sure the electric fence works now – the grass has grown it in – around the geese  to keep them fox proof. But mostly it is busy work or house work and garden work that  I don’t seriously value and will be done over and over again and would be on top of that which I already do to keep life ticking over here for us three.

But there it is – the choice. Either

1. I finish this, ablute and then tack up Rufus and head out for my ride and when I get back do the geese and hens and hang up the washing and hoover upstairs – then read that manuscript – ride Flax over lunch time and then get cleaned up and finish that MS. Spend a bit of time in the garden later seeinging if the weeds are wet enough to come out easily and enjoy it after a day getting things done OR-
2. I get out in the veg garden and start pulling wet weeds to make a space for some veg no one will ever eat more than a few mouthfuls of. And I finish the patch of mowing that Grdon got rained off on and then I go in the house and I start at the top and clean down through. No rides.

Why no rides? I wouldn’t feel like riding around before the second choice or during it. But I would feel pretty good heading out as  part of my morning and a break in the day in choice 1.

The choice is mine and the heavy voice in my head says ( unhelpfully) ‘the date on the first part of this series is 2006 …’ My repost is.’So what? I didn’t have a PC then or internet  and was writing to amuse myself on wet days…’ I can infact defend my position well and I have the portfolio of work to proove it but between that and the next step – even though I have had some experience of editing and an Editor – seems to be a gap I will either jump or fall down this morning.

So, 5.45 am. Horses are fed and wanderng away. Gordon has driven off in the lorry to start his day. The washing is on. It is down to me. Ride then read today – or walk away from this? I cannot not do this and hang around the place and groups and folks who are brave enough to show up to do something to move their dreams forward. I feel harsh and hard on myself – put up or – pen down – and shut up. Lid down, unplug and walk away… No one cares more than me about this and if I don’t care to get Fear back in the box then it wins. Fight or strike through?

It took 12 hours with about three breaks to read through the MS and make a list of names and places – I didn’t ride Flax I got too bogged down. I did read the MS so job started…