Habits come and rarely go – far.

Week 14 of the ‘Fit to Write and Fit to Ride’. Passed with just 45 km cycled on the bike and one 30 min run. My wine consumption has gone up from zero to a couple or three glasses a day – and  cake consumption has been conspicuously high – because I bought cake for the other two – which I have eaten… Strong instant coffee has replaced the decaf and this am I fell back on white toast ‘Clover’ and ‘Marmite’. Basically, my day’s eating and exercise has been dominated by my inability to do what is healthy for me with husband being home and his preferred schedule and his preferred habits and ditto Mum’s – which has led to me giving in and adopting their attitudes and behaviour – including TV evenings that everyone groans at. I have also been up every day before 5am – OK so that looks like a retained habit – it isn’t – it is down to physical – discomfort and an under exercised dog – who also looks very heavy suddenly – and I have been going to bed later so I am feeling the effects of lack of sleep. I have also stopped taking the calcium tabs and the other multi vit.

One week – that is all it has taken. There have been a couple of bitter cold days and some very very wet ones – but the ex bike is in the dry – yes – I have an left elbow joint strain but it isn’t effecting my legs…

The old habits have brought the old attitudes back and the old feeling of being chubby and unwell. The inability to find a way to keep my meals healthy and exercise my body – for my minds sake as well and my physical health is starting -already- to turn my happy End of Year feelings to sad frustration which in turn is niggling at my plans to be with the horses a lot more in 2018 – pointing out the sodden ground conditions, Rufus’ continuing skin problems and Flax being unhealthily fat rather than the opportunities to get hands on every day come what may which I was keen on.

Husband says ‘It’s only a week…’ ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself…’ -it took me 13 weeks of hard uncomfortable graft and facing reality to get to week 14 only to slide back may be as far as week 10 in one silly go.

The point of this is not to criticise husband’s choices – or my mother’s – but to highlight that I find it difficult in the face of them to keep up health choices that they don’t share – if I try to I tend to get boorish about it – I still have to get their food  and share their space – neither of them let go of their own preferences for food, lack of exercise or behaviour and whilst when I only have one of them to deal with I may avoid them at meal times and exercise and at work times – when both are here at the same time – it is not possible or polite to let everyone do their own thing – both of them tend towards passive aggressive attitudes which in theory support me but in practice undermine – and it makes for uneasy times my assertive attitude gets pushed towards aggression – or defeat when I indulge them – as they ignore my choices  and amplify theirs – as if it reflects on them that I am having to change my choices – not stopping to think that my health is about my health – not theirs  – and is a result of and reflects my inactive and sedentary life now I write full time.

If I don’t maintain the attitude and habits of healthier eating and exercise levels I will not have the strength or the flexibility or stamina to write – and certainly not to ride.

Make no bones about it I want to ride again – I may never recover that devil may care, go where I will attitude to riding – after all I am not longer 13 years old – but at 53  – or am I now 54? – with three horses aged 12 /13 will hopefully have years of equine adventures ahead of me off the page as well as on the page.

Much is always made of New Year and new beginnings and goals – well I set mine in motion 14 weeks ago. So, I have had a set back this week of Christmas but husband will be back at work on Tue am and Daniel will be here Wed  3rd Jan in the afternoon to trim the horses feet – no paddock has been made in KC and I have not had the daily ‘hands on  horses’ practice that I was aiming for – to hit a target you have to move towards it by taking action – and I didn’t – so it will be a trim in the shed – a shed they won’t have been in since his last visit; immediately you see – I have focused on what hasn’t happened and what I don’t want… Like the food and exercise I forgot to stay focused on what I wanted and focused on what I didn’t want and I tend to do that…

Tue 2nd Jan will be first day back at work 2018 – on the writing and with the horses and on my health. It seems to me that it is important I practise quietly getting on with my choices come what may this year above all else – because if I can learn to focus quietly on what I need to do/want to do and to do it regularly everyday – not just week days – and including high days and holidays -then I will achieve a great deal in pushing the writing forward to publication this year  and achieve freedom again for the horses and I – and freedom from poor health for me and all the myriad of misery mental and physical that brings.

Keep It Simple Stupid is probably the best way forward on that if I am aiming for 7 days /week rather then 5 day week for the writing and health and a three day week for the horses – I have slipped into doing things for myself when I can’t be seen to be doing so under the guise of privacy and peace and quiet – being seen to do anything is very hard for me when I am concentrating and learning things and especially when I am with the horses –  I have used both for escape all my life – I have to challenge that in myself – I need to be present to write and to ride and in my own space or bubble.

It seems to me that boils down to lack of confidence in my ability to handle interruption etc – so it will be down to Move Closer Stay Longer ( Thank you Stephanie Burns ) 🙂


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